Change

Supposed To Be

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August 23rd, 2009

How was it supposed to be this way? How did this end up? Peaceful as it seems, everything’s a wreck. Waiting for something to happen, that will never work out as I planned, is taking too long for the disappointment to reach. Rehearsed conversations, talking to mirrors, nothing’s making sense, and I just want something to hold onto that won’t change. I don’t know what I want, and the more I try to figure it out, the more unsure of myself I am.

Note: Earlier this year I was moving and I found some writing in a notebook from my senior year of high school. I experimented with many styles of writing and poetry, so I’ll be posting these for the time being. My current poetry and 2011 (which I’ve been posting) are on hold for the time being. Thank you everyone for your support!

Invaluable

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July 14th, 2022

I let my world come crashing down
I could no longer hold it together
The ends of my last thread had frayed
And hanging on was too much pressure
Over the years I’ve given up hoping
That happiness could be in my life
But I was a victim of my circumstance
And realized I shouldn’t be a wife
Because my life is decided by me
I don’t want this state of confusion
I want to discover who I really am
I spent too much time in a delusion
So I let my world shatter piece by piece
Until I could no longer recognize it
I can change my hair, my job, my home
But these memories won’t let me forget
Everything I went through was for a reason
So I need to see this through
I never found out what it’s worth
But in the end I’ll find my value

The last poem I wrote before this was in April, titled “Whatever It’s Worth.” I might not know yet – but I’m getting there. (Photographed: April 2022-July 2022)

Whatever It’s Worth

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April 7th, 2022

For what it’s worth
I’m sorry
That this didn’t work
And you think I’m the jerk

For what it’s worth
I’m sorry
You throwing me against a wall
Eventually led to our downfall

For what it’s worth
I’m sorry
That when I needed you
You couldn’t come through

For what it’s worth
I’m sorry
When I was in a collision
You wouldn’t change your vision

For what it’s worth
I’m sorry
Your computer screen
Burned us like gasoline

For what it’s worth
I’m sorry
I felt so alone
When I arrived home

For what it’s worth
I’m sorry
I planned our anniversary trip
Then your guests sunk the ship

For what it’s worth
I’m sorry
I wanted to try
But I was your standby

For what it’s worth
I’m sorry
It took looking in a mirror
To make my loneliness so clear

For what it’s worth
I’m sorry
I learned to live without you
Through these things you can’t undo

So for what it’s worth
I’m sorry