I’ve apologized for pushing Though you should’ve stayed away Because you chose this cyclical pattern Of the games that you play Was this a one sided connection Our memories are fleeting And I should have known better Because our history is repeating You’re like hitting a bowling pin That wobbles but never falls What a disappointment I never saw behind your walls I’ve filled pages in metaphors Wondering if my words were pretentious Always dancing around the meaning As I didn’t want us to be fictitious I think maybe that’s the reason That I didn’t want to leave Because if I never confronted it Then I could still believe I thought love could be found in patience Building tolerance for my disclosure Dropping little things in moderation You still left me without closure I guess you never figured things out Keeping me on a leash was never fair You can run but what are you running from Maybe you’re damaged beyond repair
This is the poem I never wanted to write Reliving the experiences that broke me to my core Playing it over in my head once more I loved you but I don’t think you were ever sure I wanted us and our two cats A home filled with our kids I wanted them to have your eyes And we had already started the list Thomas Theodore Urban III Justin Martin Urban Juliette Victoria Urban And maybe Justine Robyn Urban I just wanted you to show you loved me back But for years you pulled further away The relationship weighed on my shoulders And you never met me halfway You abandoned mutual hobbies Drank your coffee before I woke up Ate your meals without me Wanted to spend your time elsewhere And when I’d bring it up you told me you still cared But you were never there I became your personal assistant Managed your resume and calendar The relationship became all about you I felt alone every day I scheduled all of your appointments Applied to jobs for you When I needed support when I lost my job Your solution was you would quit yours too I spent years crying on my side of the bed Craving words and attention you wouldn’t give When I asked how I looked you’d say fine without glancing I needed reassurance and that was one of my ways of asking Carrying the weight of us on my back You expected me not to crack Your alcoholism grew over the years Only months into us being married I knew it was too late You lied about drinking But of course I could tell You claimed you had one beer As I tried to film your behavior You threw me against a wall You cried to me that night Saying you will never change And I could take it or leave it But I thought I could help you As we quit drinking together You told your family I was making you not drink Because everything was always my fault Your funeral reminded me One of many reasons we never worked Your family told me not to go That was the most fucked up thing anyone has ever asked of me And I know what you would’ve said Be the bigger person and do what they say Just bite your tongue and walk away But I know you would’ve wanted me there
Note: I wrote this in the middle of the night a month after my ex husband passed away. I was not able to sleep, and I just wrote out raw feelings. I’ve decided to post it as is and not polish and add to it as I had intended. I wrote this to process everything, and that’s exactly what I did. And had we not separated in 2022, today would have been our 8 year wedding anniversary…
