Change

Uncertainty

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September 13th, 2009

I can stare into your eyes, but they’re pixelated on a screen, and that’s as much of them that I can see. So close has never seemed so far away, when you’re stuck on the other end of a phone, a computer, technology is as close as I can get to you, still too far away. I never knew I could feel like this, lost inside myself, inside my words, fallen into an endless black hole in a screen full of your eyes. Years of who I was before, led me into who I am now, and because of you, that is who I don’t know anymore. My attention grabbers don’t seem to work for you, and I’m speechless because you make me scared, you make me nervous, and I don’t want to screw this up. You don’t really know who I am, and you appear to like me anyways, but I’m scared that will change. I want you to know who I am, and to like me anyways, because I like this feeling I get from you. But can I handle this?

Unrequited

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September 1st, 2009

When you say you love me, I feel comfort, but I don’t think I love you anymore. After all these years I still feel awkward when I see you, and I don’t think that’s going to change. You taught me so much I could never learn on my own. Thank you for teaching me how to feel and how to hurt. I’ve gotten to the point I just want to take myself so far, to where my knees give out, and no matter where I am, I’ll be okay. I want to think that I will always have you as a friend, because no matter how in love with you I was, I don’t think being more would be best for us ever again. Thank you for helping me to grow, and for being part of my experience, but most of all, thank you for never loving me back.

Supposed To Be

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August 23rd, 2009

How was it supposed to be this way? How did this end up? Peaceful as it seems, everything’s a wreck. Waiting for something to happen, that will never work out as I planned, is taking too long for the disappointment to reach. Rehearsed conversations, talking to mirrors, nothing’s making sense, and I just want something to hold onto that won’t change. I don’t know what I want, and the more I try to figure it out, the more unsure of myself I am.

Note: Earlier this year I was moving and I found some writing in a notebook from my senior year of high school. I experimented with many styles of writing and poetry, so I’ll be posting these for the time being. My current poetry and 2011 (which I’ve been posting) are on hold for the time being. Thank you everyone for your support!