April 20th, 2024

Why kiss, marry, or kill
When I could do all three
Something about you
Brought out a toxic side in me
I miss fighting with you
And telling you I hate you
Trying to convince myself
That I wouldn’t want to date you
Maybe I should’ve said no that night
I shouldn’t have left my home
Because now you’ve got this poem
And all I got was left alone
Maybe I started this pattern
I constantly pushed you away
One morning you mumbled “bye, love you” in your sleep
And I bolted the other way
You looked so offended
When I told you I didn’t trust you
You told me I was one of the few people
You knew wouldn’t fall through
After already spending five nights in a row with you 
You said you wished you didn’t have your son that night
So you could spend it with me again
But we still spent all evening playing Fortnite
I tried to end things the next time I came home from your place
I realized things were getting too serious
But if I ever thought you’d drop your walls for me
Then I knew I’d be delirious
I told you time with you
Was just too confusing
You always begged to see me
I guess you just wanted to use me
You said we both knew
What this was from the start
I reminded you what I said
I can’t gamble with my heart
As I’m hoping that you miss me
I’m filling my notebook with question marks
Waiting for months because it’s happened before
Yearning for your redemption arc
While I’m pleading that you’re not gone
Longing a ghost but for what reason
Wondering if I could have done something different
But you were only meant for a season
When all I want to do
Is message you about the mundane parts of my day
Wondering what you’d think
Wondering what you’d say
I guess you didn’t need me
And I guess I’ve been caught up
Hoping it was all a misunderstanding
When you treated me like I wasn’t enough
I need to forgive you
Because I knew who you were
And I need to forgive myself
Because I tried to defer
I never told you that I loved you
But I think that you knew
Still holding onto hope
That maybe you felt it too

Note: This is part three of my pentalogy, which I’m posting in reverse order. The parts can be read independently, in sequence, or backward. While the date states I wrote this on April 20th, 2024, the poetry spans from pieces I began and left unfinished over the past two years. April 20th is the day the idea for this story first came to me, and I pulled all of my writing together. I spent about four months working on finishing this, so I’m excited to be sharing it!

Tortured Artists Yield Loss Over Remembrance (The Pentalogy)

Part 1: Denial
Part 2: Anger
Part 3: Bargaining
Part 4: Depression
Part 5: Acceptance