November 19th, 2009

Things I hate when I’m sick:
being too cold,
being too hot,
blank walls,
covered walls,
being sick.

This bed has been
a prison
for me to lay
awaiting more punishment.

Suffering,
sweating,
freezing,
shaking,
worrying.

I wasn’t worried about being sick,
it was school,
my future,
my career,
my meaning in life,
my homework assignment.

I never put much thought
into any of it,
but I’m a senior,
I graduate in seven months.

How could this happen?
I thought I had more time.

I feel so pressured,
rushed,
confused,
lost.

This can’t be real,
this is not real.

I’m going to wake up
and be back in Freshman year
and everything will be
okay.

But it’s not that simple.

Searching the web for ideas,
steal somebody else’s life,
make it real,
make it mine.

But it’s not that simple.

My head hurts,
I’m not okay,
I’m cold,
who am I,
what is my purpose,
it’s too hot,
I’m so confused.

I never felt I had a purpose,
so what do I say when
I don’t have plans for my future?

So what do I write?

The light flickered,
ideas in my head,
here,
and then gone.

I’ll put my future aside –
and think about now.

What am I here for?
What am I good for?
What is my purpose?

I have no purpose.

Then the light flickered again,
and stayed.

I then knew
what I had to do.