My Barricade

March 16th, 2024

Sitting in a coffee shop
I’m going through life’s trials
Forcing myself to write something
After running 6.2 miles
My life is a series
Of events and activities
Then working all week
And trying to maintain productivity
Two years on my own
I’ve been going through the motions
And even before that
I started bottling my emotions
I’ve been working so hard
I need to prove it to myself
I can find happiness
Without needing someone else
I don’t think anyone understands
Why I feel so lonely
Because I surround myself with people
But none of them know me
I don’t know how to drop my walls
I think I lack the wisdom
And until I start letting people in
I need to be my own support system

Myself First

March 11th, 2024

So many thoughts in my head
But where do I start
The anxiety in my mind
Or the pain in my heart
I’m facing this sober
No more letting it linger
The feelings I bottled up
I only traced with my finger
These two months by myself
I’ve felt so alone
Confined in these walls
That I learned to call home
I’ve been working on myself
Because that is what I need
Because I’m the only one
Who can set myself free
These memories I replay
I won’t let them be my prison
So I’m writing it all
Until every thought has arisen
My mind is so full
It’s going to burst
But I won’t bite my tongue
I’m putting myself first

Solitude

October 12th, 2023

I manage my expectations by expecting the worst
Then I tackle my problems by diving head first
And I keep a shoe ready in hand
So the other won’t drop before the moment I planned
I’ve lived my life in survival mode
Meticulously analyzed every crossroad
And I will freeze before I fight or flight
So I can justify why I am right
So I built my walls without a door
There’s no getting in without a war
I’m stuck in a realm of constant distrust
Because I’ve lost my mind in love and lust
I’ve been hurt time and time again
I live my life playing pretend
I need people but let them go
I’d rather suffer than let it show