September 8th, 2025

This is the poem I never wanted to write
Reliving the experiences that broke me to my core
Playing it over in my head once more
I loved you but I don’t think you were ever sure
I wanted us and our two cats
A home filled with our kids
I wanted them to have your eyes
And we had already started the list 
Thomas Theodore Urban III
Justin Martin Urban
Juliette Victoria Urban
And maybe Justine Robyn Urban
I just wanted you to show you loved me back
But for years you pulled further away
The relationship weighed on my shoulders
And you never met me halfway
You abandoned mutual hobbies
Drank your coffee before I woke up
Ate your meals without me
Wanted to spend your time elsewhere
And when I’d bring it up you told me you still cared
But you were never there
I became your personal assistant
Managed your resume and calendar
The relationship became all about you
I felt alone every day
I scheduled all of your appointments
Applied to jobs for you
When I needed support when I lost my job
Your solution was you would quit yours too
I spent years crying on my side of the bed
Craving words and attention you wouldn’t give
When I asked how I looked you’d say fine without glancing
I needed reassurance and that was one of my ways of asking
Carrying the weight of us on my back
You expected me not to crack
Your alcoholism grew over the years
Only months into us being married I knew it was too late
You lied about drinking
But of course I could tell
You claimed you had one beer
As I tried to film your behavior
You threw me against a wall
You cried to me that night
Saying you will never change
And I could take it or leave it
But I thought I could help you
As we quit drinking together
You told your family I was making you not drink
Because everything was always my fault
Your funeral reminded me
One of many reasons we never worked
Your family told me not to go
That was the most fucked up thing anyone has ever asked of me
And I know what you would’ve said
Be the bigger person and do what they say
Just bite your tongue and walk away
But I know you would’ve wanted me there

Note: I wrote this in the middle of the night a month after my ex husband passed away. I was not able to sleep, and I just wrote out raw feelings. I’ve decided to post it as is and not polish and add to it as I had intended. I wrote this to process everything, and that’s exactly what I did. And had we not separated in 2022, today would have been our 8 year wedding anniversary…