February 25th, 2023-May 14th, 2023

I didn’t want to write this
But I know that I need to
Our chapter has ended
So why do I still want you?
This started back in August
When we first matched on Bumble
I never imagined this would end
With me feeling so jumbled
You almost timed out
But I messaged again
I only got one response
But I forced this to begin
I don’t know what I was thinking
When I decided to chase you
Ignoring my other matches
Because it was you I wanted to talk to
A week later I sent a follow up message
Wanting to get through
Not sure how you would perceive it
But you told me I could text you
So I waited two days
Trying to play it cool
And messaged you September 1st
I wish back then I knew you were this cruel
We were texting all week
Before you wanted to meet me
Then you disappeared after I asked to prolong
I thought it just wasn’t meant to be
A few days later you returned
Asking how my weekend went
I didn’t realize this was a defining moment
Your disappearing set a precedent
We continued talking
You had me so intrigued
Getting to know each other
And even playing League
You didn’t ask to meet again
So I decided I’d initiate
I asked your plans for the weekend
And you took the bait
When I said I wasn’t doing anything
You offered your company
You suggested on Saturday
And that was the first time you canceled on me
That should have been a sign
You already showed me who you were
So after playing a few games of League
I went to see the guy I was seeing before
With six months of history
He was the devil I knew
But I needed to get over him
And eventually that’s what you helped me do
I met you Sunday instead
Passing his place on my way to yours
I wasn’t ready to let him go
But I thought someone new could help me close the door
The moment that I met you
You were awkward in ways I didn’t foresee
I wondered if I made a mistake
I thought we would have zero chemistry
It’s a good thing we went for drinks
Since both of us were shy
As we consumed our liquid courage
I thought there’s no way I’ll catch feelings for this guy
Funny that’s the only time I saw a glimpse
Of who you actually were
Telling me all about yourself
Even issues with your mother
You complimented my nails
Your favorite color red
I got a few words in
But there was so much left unsaid
The evening led us back to your place
I got to meet your dog
Then we watched House of Dragon
And the rest I won’t catalog
I didn’t hear from you much the next few days
But I also didn’t expect to
Looking back at September
I wish it ended at one date with you
But you got back in touch
Asked to see me the next weekend
We planned for Saturday
And you canceled once again
You asked for the following weekend
But my schedule was full
I tried to make it work
Until I presumed you were prioritizing another girl
Your Snapchat score shot up after “going to bed”
I figured no harm in letting this die
And like I’d been doing for six months already
I reached out to my prior guy
But after two more weeks with him
Things ended there too
And hiding from my grief
I got back in contact with you
I snapped you a selfie
You responded with heart eyes
“Hey stranger” I joked around
Words we’d soon memorialize
You killed the conversation
But I’m quite persistent
Something about your awkward charm
Had me lacking resistance
So I sent you another message
Asked if you were doing anything over the weekend
Your response made me laugh
And we made plans you didn’t try to amend
You came over to my apartment
I bought us a bottle of rum
Watching Wedding Crashers on my couch
Two drinks and an evening of careless fun
You asked to make plans again the next weekend
I was going to come over after a Halloween event
The third time you canceled from “not feeling well”
But you confirmed the same day without intent
You tried to tell me the next day
That you had a doctor’s appointment
Did you forget it was a Sunday?
Diagnosed with lies and disappointment
But I kept those words to myself
And I stopped trying to get through
A few days later you messaged me again
To invite me to your Halloween party with you
You mentioned it the month before
Dreading your roommates throwing it
So why are you inviting me the night before?
I assumed someone canceled but doubt you would admit
I already had plans
So I told you maybe later
Fully knowing I was going to show up
And surprised your roommates were great decorators
I was the rainbow Care Bear
You dressed as a priest
The first time we spent the night together
My feelings only increased
The next weekend we had plans again
Then you told me you lost your voice
I gave you an out to cancel
But you wanted to see me by choice
The next day I messaged you
Asked when I should be coming
It wasn’t until late that you responded
Assuming I knew you were postponing
“I’m getting really tired of being canceled on”
Saying I was pissed would be minimization
When you said you wanted to make it up to me
I had my reservations
I was expecting to end things there
Now you want to take me on a date?
I wondered if things would really change
While you’re stopping by on my lunch break
Over the weekend
I went out of town
Venting a little about why I drove home early
You asked me if I wanted to come around
I drove straight to your place
You let me crash your guy’s night
You brought me to your room to talk
I told you this was my reaction to fight or flight
At first I thought you were being sweet
But the look on your face said you didn’t care
At least I had a distraction
And ending things was something I was getting ready to prepare
I had been talking to my therapist
She told me to make a list of what I’m looking for
Someone to have coffee with in the mornings
Was something I wrote a few days before
In the morning you climbed out of bed
Probably thinking I wasn’t awake
You kissed me on the forehead
Before waking me up for a coffee break
We spent the morning in your bed
Drinking Starbucks and watching TV
These signals were so mixed
I couldn’t tell what your feelings were for me
When I left your place
I went to see my best friend
She surprised me with a new dress
I thought it would be perfect for the next weekend
You told me it would be Friday night
You’d take me on the date
But when it got to that day
You wanted to renegotiate
You asked if we could stay in
And you’d order takeout
So I put my new dress back in the closet
And agreed to the new route
I drove over to your place
You ordered us Cheesecake Factory
We watched Everything Everywhere All At Once
The night ended satisfactorily
But then a few days later
I came down with COVID
You told me to feel better
Then I got demoted
Watching your snap score
It would increase overnight
The evening with thirty points
Provided much needed insight
I knew what you used Snapchat for
So it was time to move on
I got back on the dating apps
But there was only one who had me drawn
You had ignored my message to make plans
Then responded days later to my amazement
So I figured one last night to say goodbye
While I worked on your replacement
And then the evening arrived
You asked if we could meet the next day
Your friend’s birthday party was starting late
But I was over being treated this way
I wasn’t going to respond
But then you messaged me again
And to my surprise
You invited me bowling with your friends
Now looking back
I probably shouldn’t have accepted
Connecting with your friends
Before the ending I anticipated
One of them asked me if we were dating
I had no idea what I should say
Or what you had said about me
So I just said not really
Later we watched Wednesday
That evening was a blur
But I knew that there was a reason
That Wednesday shouldn’t trust Tyler
I had it in the back of my mind
This was the last time I would see you
Taking selfies with your dog Loki
Because I’d never see him again too
In the morning you had stuff to do
You woke me up early
And when I tried to get out of bed
You didn’t want to let go of me
That rendezvous felt different
Learning your friends call you “bear bear”
Everything felt like more than it was
I tried so hard not to care
I was ready to let go
A goodbye hug and kiss
Then you asked me if you could see me Monday for lunch
Another opportunity I didn’t want to miss
I shouldn’t have accepted
I also had a date that night
But I was curious about your change in character
And something about it felt right
Then Monday afternoon came
But you never showed
I spent the night drowning in a bottle of wine
Because my date also canceled
You apologized that evening
You were too busy at work
And I decided I wouldn’t respond
Because all you’ve ever been was a selfish jerk
A week flew by
I couldn’t get you out of my head
I apologized for the late response
And you left me on read
A few more days passed
Another message I attempted
I asked if you’d watched Drag Me To Hell
Hoping it would make you tempted
You responded you weren’t sure if you had
We were now in conversation
I asked when I would see you again
While drowning in my fixation
You told me maybe this weekend
But there was no commitment
And when you backed out
I knew there would be no acquitment
You stopped viewing my stories
It’d been months since you stopped texting daily
We had only met seven times
I asked you if you were done with me
You were surprisingly honest
Said you didn’t want this to get serious
I wasn’t sure I wanted that either
You were being delirious
I listed all my reasons
You asked why I didn’t open up before
While telling me you weren’t interested
And closing the door
That conversation mixed me up
I wasn’t sure what to do
So I wrote “The Last Thing I’ll Message You”
And I actually messaged it too
You asked me if I was okay
Said you wanted to be friends
I held on to hope for a week
Before I realized this needed to completely end
I couldn’t keep drunk messaging you
It was time to let this go
So I deleted you
To put an end to this show
I was beginning to feel happy
I started seeing someone new
Everything that I had wanted
Until I got a message from you
All you said was “Hey”
In the middle of the night
I hadn’t heard from you in weeks
And mentally went into fight or flight
I had woken up to that message
Everyone telling me not to respond
After a few hours I sent “Hey” back
Left on read, I felt so wronged
I could barely sleep that night
Nothing but tossing and turning
The guilt of sleeping next to my new guy
While my flame for you was still burning
So the next night I went off
Said everything that I needed
Reminding you that you walked away
Left me feeling defeated
You apologized for being too busy to respond
And you took all the blame
You told me you’d been thinking about me
You drove me completely insane
That night you left me on read again
It cut me like a knife
So I told you I didn’t have time for people
Who thought they could walk in and out of my life
You apologized to me again
Told me that’s not what you were trying to do
You said you wanted things to go back to how they were
I responded with “How am I supposed to trust you?”
You told me I was right
To forget that you even messaged me
So I left you on read
And another night I couldn’t sleep
“What if I can’t?”
I responded the next day
Message opened with no response
You left me in disarray
Two days later I made my last attempt
Every letter I could use in the alphabet
Everything I missed or hated
And asked if you really wanted me to forget
You replied to that message
Said you’d been thinking about how to respond
We talked for hours before I went over
Fully knowing this felt wrong
You moved during the time we weren’t talking
I had you come outside to find me
“Hey stranger” you said as you approached
Your new facial hair was interesting
I sat as far as I could from you
There was so much for us to discuss
Then you put on Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
And said that Scott and Ramona reminded you of us
You said all the right things
You played me because I am the fool
Filled with a whirlwind of emotions
Nothing about that night felt minuscule
I woke up in your arms
Thinking about how tight you held my hand
Or the way you looked me in the eyes
Falling in love that night wasn’t planned
I went home in a daze
Drunk on intimacy and feelings
We’d never connected like that before
But I was the architect of these dealings
I made it all too easy
Convinced myself you would be different
Until history repeated itself
I can’t believe I was so ignorant
Ignoring my messages once again
But this time I would say something
Wondering what happens now
You responded with “Nothing”
More sleepless nights
You pulled the rug out from under me
I had ended things with the other guy
And I was completely lonely
You told me you didn’t want to deal with this
I told you I understood
Thinking you never wanted to see me again
But you told me I misunderstood
We had tentative plans
Then you never messaged me
So we made plans for the next week
And you went back to canceling
By the third time
I had already had enough
I deleted you off Snapchat again
Everything you told me was a bluff
I was tired of hurting
I was getting no sleep
You canceled on me
For too many weeks
I ended things with a text
Starting with “Hey stranger.”
I wasn’t willing to be in love alone
Because with you my heart was in danger
We exchanged a few messages
Then I left the door open
Adding you back onto Snapchat
Because I didn’t want this to be broken
A few weeks went by
I’d see you’d skip over my posts
Thinking I might hear from you
But you became a ghost
Suddenly your name was everywhere
Views on everything I’d share
Not sure if it meant anything
So I tried not to care
Then I met somebody who caught my interest
But I knew I wasn’t ready to move on
I thought I might message you
To see if you were really gone
Drunk in the middle of the night
I started typing on Snapchat
Then I deleted everything I wrote
Because I realized I shouldn’t go back
The next morning I woke up to a message from you
Asking me what I was going to say
Of course you got a notification I was typing
And I blamed being drunk at my best friend’s birthday
You told me I was on your mind
That you’d been wanting to message me
Then you asked when we could see each other
And we made plans for the weekend upcoming
I was counting the days down
It’d been two months since I’d seen you
But by the day we had plans
I knew you were going to fall through
In the evening I messaged you
I asked if I should assume you’re canceling
Hours with the message unread
I realized you were ghosting
After midnight I followed up
I told you how you had me falling
And I needed to say goodbye
Because you did nothing but hurt me
A few days went by
The messages were never read
I sent one last text
Because I couldn’t accept I’d been misled
I never received a response
To my text or my snap
So I deleted your contact
And blocked you on Snapchat
When it came to my physiological reaction
You know I always flight
So why was it with you
I tried to stay and fight?
Like in “Attached To You”
I downed the rest of our rum I kept in my freezer
Feeling drunk and worse
I accepted your role in my life was a teaser
And my dress with its tags on
Still sits on my shelf
And since I last saw you in January
I’ve been scared to be with anybody else
This poem took me three months to write
I started it in February
All these pages on someone I only met eight times
And I still don’t have any clarity
From the very beginning
I knew you weren’t the one
But I needed to finish this poem
So that this could feel done
I played the songs that remind me of you
Until I was no longer hurting
And embraced my healing era
Until I felt it was over-exerting
And I reread drafts of messages
That I never sent
Knowing every action I took
Was something well meant
I just wish the feelings I felt for you
Were never more than lust
And I wish you never tricked me
That we could be an us
You told me when you were younger
That you wanted to be an actor
So bravo on your performance
Because it was something I fell for