Sober

Tortured Artists Yield Loss Over Remembrance: Acceptance

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April 20th, 2024

How can I call this the end
When we never really started
You got me attached to you
And then you departed
I’m tired of looking for people
That remind me of you
Because looking for you
Isn’t what I’m meant to do
We’re not Noah and Allie
This was my odyssey
Now it’s my manuscript
And you aren’t in my prophecy
Seeing you was like a river
Something that could consume me
And I could dive in
But I could never be happy
You called me a scaredy cat
As I ignored your fourth message in a row
But you maimed me first
We both needed to let go
Now that you’re a memory
It’s something I’m forced to keep
But I’m past the countless nights
I spent awake without sleep
Moving on from you
I spent three months sober
So I could fully accept
That things were actually over
You’ve got my computer accessories
I’ve got a recording of Sleep Talk
I lost someone who didn’t care about me
While you let someone who loved you walk
During the times you looked me in the eyes
I guess I mistook the semblance
I’m not sure how you could fake that
Now I yield loss over remembrance
You gained my trust
So you could break it
You wanted my love
So I let you take it
I am a fool
And I hate it
But in this crime
I was complaisant 
You were barely tangible
If I’m being realistic
And like you said
We never existed
And you might not know it yet
But I think I’m the loss of your life
You will never know the honor
Of having me as your wife
If they ask me how it ended, it didn’t
And I think I’m okay with that
Because like I’ve said before
I hope you don’t come back
So long, whoever you were
Because this was never fun
So I’ll continue with my search
Of looking for the one
There are 8 billion people in this world
And now I am most certain
That you were one of many
Who will never be my person

Note: This is part five of my pentalogy, which I’ll be posting in reverse order. The parts can be read independently, in sequence, or backward. While the date states I wrote this on April 20th, 2024, the poetry spans from pieces I began and left unfinished over the past two years. April 20th is the day the idea for this story first came to me, and I pulled all of my writing together. I spent about four months working on finishing this, and I’m excited to finally share it!

Tortured Artists Yield Loss Over Remembrance (The Pentalogy)

Part 1: Denial
Part 2: Anger
Part 3: Bargaining
Part 4: Depression
Part 5: Acceptance

Myself First

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March 11th, 2024

So many thoughts in my head
But where do I start
The anxiety in my mind
Or the pain in my heart
I’m facing this sober
No more letting it linger
The feelings I bottled up
I only traced with my finger
These two months by myself
I’ve felt so alone
Confined in these walls
That I learned to call home
I’ve been working on myself
Because that is what I need
Because I’m the only one
Who can set myself free
These memories I replay
I won’t let them be my prison
So I’m writing it all
Until every thought has arisen
My mind is so full
It’s going to burst
But I won’t bite my tongue
I’m putting myself first

Mr. Smithuationship All Over Again

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January 3rd, 2024

The way you look me in the eyes
You look mesmerized as you smile
Watching my reaction instead of your favorite shows
Why are you in denial?
Is it because I’m taller than you?
Does height make you insecure?
Does my looking down at you
Make you hate yourself more?
Rotating through phases of being so mad at you
To being hopelessly head over heels
This state of confusion brings dopamine rushes
I’m hooked and I can’t appeal
In July two years ago
I wrote that one day you’ll be easy not to remember
There are still no photos or mementos
We’re losing our spark like an ember
I woke up in your bed
For the sixty-eighth time
Why do I keep coming back
When you will never be mine
I woke up in your bed
For the fifth night in a row
Forgetting this is nothing more
Than time that is borrowed
It’s two o’clock in the morning
And you’re telling me to come over
After I just told you I think I hate you
You tell me you need me because you’re not sober
I listened while you begged me
I told you I can’t drive my car
You asked “not even for me?”
Who do you think you are?
It’s been almost seven months
Since you had returned
You know how I feel but still played that card
Leaving me feeling burned
And I know what you’re doing
You want to get inside my head
You’re telling me you need me
To get me in your bed
Forty-six nights this year
Thirty-three in the past
Seventy-nine nights all together
Of memories not meant to last
I thought about getting you a birthday/Christmas gift
Because combined is something you would disdain
But when I didn’t hear from you that week
I let your birthday “slip my brain”
I didn’t see you until the New Year
You wouldn’t stop checking your phone
Apparent that I wasn’t the company you wanted
But at least we’re not alone
I put my arm over you
You pulled me closer holding my wrist
I listened to the rain knowing this isn’t real
But it’s been a while since I had a moment like this
It’s now twenty twenty-four
And I’m waking up in your room with you
The same one I’ve been waking up in
Since early twenty twenty-two
I’ve lived in three homes since then
You think I would have grown
Because you will never change
And that’s something I’ve always known
Sometimes you’d hold me close
Sometimes you’d push me away
Sometimes you’d leave my messages unread
For the remainder of the day
This was our eighty-fifth night together
We’ve had numerous ends
With this history we’ve shared
How can you say that we’re just friends?