Sign

Fragile

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July 25th, 2011

It started with a look that turned into more. These conversations started slowly and are now what they once were before. The look turned into a kiss, and I closed my eyes. Mistake number one, what a surprise. Closed eyes cannot see. I let you get the best of me. Our lips together let you take my hand. It was what I wanted, but nothing was planned. In my bed, I slept confused. I no longer felt so abused. I let you bring back my smile. It was gone for quite some while. I woke up alone, and that’s how I now feel. Please tell me all my thoughts aren’t real. I gave my body to a guy. I don’t know why, I can’t deny. My fragile sign has been ignored. All I wanted was to feel adored. There’s nothing left for us to say. I got confused and let you take me away.

Mine

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June 1st, 2011

The idea of hazel eyes staring into mine
Like they once had before
Is enough to make the hours slow
The realization of the past
And all that it contains
Is still enough to give me hope
No idea if you ever felt the same for me
But my mind has its own reality
And my heart beats to its own drum
I can’t be controlled
I can’t be abused
Trying to leave me broken and bruised
But I’m not
I just can’t be
Someone slipped out of my memories
The idea how I felt before
The lust, the temptation, the allure
You can’t leave my mind
I’m feeling so blind
Just give me some sign
Do you want to be mine?

Note: I’ve jumped around with my poetry, posting between recent and past. I had paused sharing from 2011 because I reached the poems where my ex-husband and I started dating again after we broke up in high school. Since our divorce, I never fully dealt with those feelings and honestly tried to suppress them. However, they still surfaced and made it into my writing from time to time. Last month I found out he passed away, and I’ve been sorting through a lot of emotions. This feels like the right time to pause my 2025 work and share some throwback content instead.

Rest in peace, Thomas (11/26/1991-08/08/2025)

Epiphany

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February 23rd, 2025

Don’t approach at all 
Or proceed with caution
The dilemma I face
Increasing more often
Did I ignore the signs
What did they mean
I’m stewing on this
Because it was not foreseen
I’m learning about myself
From my reaction to others
And when life gets hard
I want to hide under the covers
I thought it was anxious
But I have disorganized attachment
Trying to put pieces together
But I’m grasping them in fragments 
What I thought was a disorder
Could be my nervous system
Stuck between physiological reactions
I forget all of my wisdom
And then I confuse love
With the intensity of limerence
Will I ever find what I need
If I don’t know the difference
I’m not sure I’m fixable
But I’m working on myself
The lessons I need to learn 
Before I can love somebody else