Heartbreak

Tortured Artists Yield Loss Over Remembrance: Depression

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April 20th, 2024

Since I met you in twenty twenty-two
This is the first summer I won’t know you
Like August you were never mine
So how do I make it through
I’m missing you
But you’re not alone
You cut me deep
Down to my bone
I loved you
You let me go
You moved on
I don’t want to know
I gave you a stop sign
And you flew right through
Now here I am again
Trying to get over you
I know you don’t miss me
It meant nothing when you kissed me
But you left your prints all over me
And even forensic scientists can see
The irony of foreshadowing the first time we argued
Two years ago crying through the pain
Listening to “If I Don’t Laugh, I’ll Cry” by Frawley
“That was two full years of us down the drain”
I felt you pull away
You had one foot in the door
And the other one was always out
Now you aren’t here anymore
You sought out somebody broken
To use for your convenience
This isn’t what I anticipated
You got off with lenience
When Netflix is recommending a show that is ours
That I never finished but I can’t restart
Because you’ll always remind me of Jake Peralta
And I can’t do that with my broken heart
When my predictive text
Keeps suggesting your name
When I spoke my feelings
You said you didn’t feel the same
And I can’t resist you
But I know you don’t miss me
The way you walked away
Like it was so easy
You were the only person
I never felt lonely with
But now it feels illicit
Like you didn’t exist
I have no proof either
We have no photos and I have nothing from you
Unless you count the video of Dayseeker live
That I only have because I asked you to
I miss you so much
My heart can’t take it
Because I gave you the ability
And I let you break it
I tried so hard
But you wouldn’t let me let you go
And now I am still stuck
Mourning time that was borrowed
I fell the hardest on that evening
You wouldn’t let my eyes part from yours
And no matter how hard I try
I can’t seem to close all the doors
Things were so good
Before you said you needed me
Before the memories I can’t shake off
But it was nothing but a fantasy
How do I get over you
Your name is everywhere that I look
Spotify’s number one artist
Or the author of a book
So many Taylor Swift lyrics I could quote
So many words that I hold true
But I think Owl City said it best
“I was so in love with you” 
I know it’s going to kill me if you ever get engaged
Because with me you never knew how to stay
I wonder if anyone else also sees you
As the one who got away
Wondering who you’ve loved the most
These thoughts I can’t construe
Was it Laura or Ella or Alicia or Alanis
Because I was never enough for you
Did I write the perfect poem
But with the wrong rhymes
Another one slipped through my fingers
Only captured by lines

Note: This is part four of my pentalogy, which I’m posting in reverse order. The parts can be read independently, in sequence, or backward. While the date states I wrote this on April 20th, 2024, the poetry spans from pieces I began and left unfinished over the past two years. April 20th is the day the idea for this story first came to me, and I pulled all of my writing together. I spent about four months working on finishing this, and I’m excited to finally share it!

Tortured Artists Yield Loss Over Remembrance (The Pentalogy)

Part 1: Denial
Part 2: Anger
Part 3: Bargaining
Part 4: Depression
Part 5: Acceptance

The Vertigo of Letting Go

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April 16th, 2024

There’s guys I gave four chances to
Won’t let there be a fifth
I fell for Mr. Colbert
But first I fell for Mr. Smith

Both of these guys
Had one too many chances
Won’t let there be another
Under any circumstances

[Chorus:]
But I see them in my dreams
And in the people I may know
And the thought of reuniting 
Still gives me vertigo
There’s a part of me that’s scared
And not ready to let them go
And trying to move on
There’s a part of me that’s hollow

They exist on paper
And in the corners of my mind
I spend more often than not
Trying to convince myself I’m fine

I miss who I was before
I met either of them in person
Never knew someone so little
For that I am most certain

[Chorus:]
But I see them in my dreams
And in the people I may know
And the thought of reuniting 
Still gives me vertigo
There’s a part of me that’s scared
And not ready to let them go
And trying to move on
There’s a part of me that’s hollow

They probably don’t remember it
All the details that I dwell
And missing them lacks logic
Because they put me through hell

And I need to give credit
Where credit is due
Megan Cromwell wrote the song
That inspired me to write this for both of you

[Chorus:]
But I see them in my dreams
And in the people I may know
And the thought of reuniting 
Still gives me vertigo
There’s a part of me that’s scared
And not ready to let them go
And trying to move on
There’s a part of me that’s hollow

And maybe I’m thankful
I never had to pick between either
They showed up at different times
And I ended up with neither

They cut the ties
They let me down
When I needed them most
They were nowhere to be found

[Chorus 2:]
And I saw them in my dreams
And in the people I may know
But we’ll never reunite
Because it’s time I let them go
A part of me was scared
And it still gives me vertigo 
But I’m still moving on
Filling the parts that they left hollow

Til Death Do Us Part

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March 23rd, 2024

Every once in a while in my mind
I catch myself reminiscing
A love I know I’ll never forget
But there was always something missing
Thinking about it is surreal
My twenties feel like a different life
Spent with my high school sweetheart
A time I found myself as a wife
For years fighting the truth
Like a scene on a stage
The ideas lingered in my mind
But they never left my page
After a while of denial
I could no longer fight
“You can go fuck yourself”
He said to me with spite
Not wanting to admit
There was no love left
Playing the victim
But never confessed
He was the one who broke me
I grieved for a year before leaving
And I took the title of the bad guy
Because it seemed to be believing
I was never a suspect
Now here I am under arrest
Feeling like I got hit by a car
And he acted under duress
I know he didn’t love me anymore
Or at least not like he did before
Picking everything over me
What’d he do that for
I gave all that I could
And he took me for a joke
I didn’t know what else to do
With this heart of mine he broke
I needed to depart
He put me through turmoil
There was nothing left to do
Once he let my love spoil
Now I find him in little crevices
I didn’t know exist
He left his mark on me
In more ways than I can list
But I washed my hands of this
Until my knuckles cracked and bled
We said “til death do us part”
And Karissa Urban is dead