Goodbye

Don’t Come Back

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January 18th, 2024

I thought I was done writing about you
But I have so much left to say
The first time you disappeared
I put my feelings on layaway
Then when you came back
I turned my read receipts on
Just so you could see
When I wouldn’t respond
Throwing boundaries out the window
Like where did they go
You said you didn’t want a relationship
So why didn’t I say no
Trying to not fall
Every time you’d say hello
But you wouldn’t let me in
And you wouldn’t let me go
I thought I could end things
I tried to walk away
You told me you were lonely
Messaged me every day
Until Thanksgiving when I caved
Now you say we shouldn’t see each other anymore
Trying to take control of the situation
Like that wasn’t what I said before
We went back and forth
A tug of war for power
We were on and off
Until things turned sour 
I wish that I had known back then
When I picked you up from Hot Mulligan
There’d only be four more times
That I would see you again
If you ever try to reach out
You can see the last text I sent you
I made a clear expectation
Of things you wouldn’t do
I don’t want to talk to you anymore
But you have my keyboard and mouse
At least I know that you have
A reminder of me in your house
I’m rereading our conversations
I thought you were my person
I’m grieving your absence
You’ve lost me for certain
I’m broken into pieces
Compassion is what you lack
And like Tate McRae said
“I hope you don’t come back”

Another Colbert Report (The Last Thing I’ll Write About You)

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January 5th, 2024

I was only back on Hinge
For a short two days
Before you liked my picture
I didn’t know what to say
I responded to your action
It took me eight days
Because when I first saw your name
I was not okay
It was the day after Christmas
I was feeling brave
Being optimistic 
I dug my own grave
I told you I was surprised
You ghosted me nine months ago
And that fucked me up
These things I needed you to know
I just never anticipated
Your name would light my phone again
You hurt me so deeply
Was I ready to let you back in
You told me you hoped I would message
You apologized for the past
We talked for two hours
A conversation I wanted to last
You had texted me to say goodnight
I didn’t hear from you for two days
Six texts exchanged 
And you drifted away 
Eight more days went by
You texted to say sorry for being MIA
But you won’t be available for “a long while”
Nothing about this was okay
I wasn’t going to respond
I’ve already said everything that I need to
But after an hour I sent you a link
To a fifteen page poem I wrote about you
I’m not expecting a response
Not sure you’ve even read it
But I can see you opened it three times
And everything I wrote feels good to admit
This wasn’t what I was expecting
How my year would start
That my optimistic naive self
Keeps letting the same guys break my heart
I’m still searching for the person
I’ll have coffee with in the morning
The one that I can call
When my eyes start pouring
I cried more over some random guy
Than I ever did for you
But nobody has ever made me feel
The hurt you put me through
I’ll never understand
How you moved on like I never existed
Or why you would want to hurt me again
You must be pretty twisted
At least you said goodbye this time
I got a little closure
Your name won’t light my phone again
This story is finally over

Stop Signs

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September 27th, 2009

Piled up,
too much to keep to myself,
but what doesn’t kill me –
will keep me no weaker than I was before.

Saying goodbye is never easy,
but it wasn’t like that,
I was pulled away,
compelled to go,
and didn’t even have a chance to say –
I’m leaving.

Pulling through dark tunnels,
this is who I’ve become,
and there’s no going back.

I found myself in the cold arms of the darkness,
and I don’t think I can let go –
of this side of me –
that I found myself to like.

The mirror must be getting old,
because it’s not working quite right,
and I can’t even seem to find myself in it.

Looking for something,
but I don’t know you anymore,
and I don’t even know myself,
and all I’m finding are these stop signs –
that await my presence.