Drive

Retrograde (What Happens Now?)

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April 9th, 2024

Do you know the effects of Mercury
Because I’ve been thinking lately
About what you might be thinking lately
But you never wanted to date me
I think you’re missing me
I feel your energy
Not sure if I’m being naive
Because maybe it’s just me
I told you I was depressed
Is that why you decided to crush me
Filled my heart with breadcrumbs
And let me live in a fantasy
The vibes that you gave
Were always hot and cold
You were the perfect mixture
Of neutral
I remember what we were both wearing
When I saw you last
Then you tossed me out
Like the rest of your trash
I always tried to wear red for you
Like the Megan and Liz song
“You’re so bad for me”
The lyrics were never wrong
I remember when I filled up my ice box for you
The small gestures that you never knew
Because I remembered you liked extra
I did more for you than you would ever do
The memories tucked away in crevices of my brain
That container of strawberries that you ate
Things I don’t know why but I remember
I guess that’s just how I operate
All this stress for a guy who couldn’t spell “I’d”
Where do you see an ‘e’ in I would?
Yet I wonder if you still think about surprising me
When you drive through my neighborhood
Do you still think of me when you’re watching TV
And you see Jenna Ortega or Anya Taylor-Joy
Because I still think of how I gave you my heart
And all you gave me back was a decoy
I watched a scary movie with another guy recently
But it didn’t feel the same
Trying to find a similar connection
But one who wants to share their last name
When all you’ve known is leaving
What if you chose to stay
12 messages in 11 days
Like a prison sentence they replay
The last message you sent me
Said you won’t be available for a long while
And I knew that wasn’t true
Because you’re updating your dating profile
You’re not good for my mental health
Still I created an idea of who you were
You’re probably seeing someone else now
And whispering to her that you miss her
You kept coming back to me
But then you’d change your mind
It was always your decision
And I still got declined
I have a lump in my throat
Wondering how someone could ask so much of me
Then turn away because it wasn’t enough
These thoughts I can’t grasp tangibly
And I’m over here wondering
That maybe it is true
Guys want to feel needed
But I never needed you
What if I made you up
Why am I still thinking about this stuff
You hurt me in ways you never knew
I know an apology will never be enough
You were the wrong person
It was the wrong time
So why do I still long
That one day you will be mine
You played me like an instrument
But you’re not a musician
I think I’ve finally accepted your answer
Because “nothing” will come to fruition

Mr. Smithuationship All Over Again

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January 3rd, 2024

The way you look me in the eyes
You look mesmerized as you smile
Watching my reaction instead of your favorite shows
Why are you in denial?
Is it because I’m taller than you?
Does height make you insecure?
Does my looking down at you
Make you hate yourself more?
Rotating through phases of being so mad at you
To being hopelessly head over heels
This state of confusion brings dopamine rushes
I’m hooked and I can’t appeal
In July two years ago
I wrote that one day you’ll be easy not to remember
There are still no photos or mementos
We’re losing our spark like an ember
I woke up in your bed
For the sixty-eighth time
Why do I keep coming back
When you will never be mine
I woke up in your bed
For the fifth night in a row
Forgetting this is nothing more
Than time that is borrowed
It’s two o’clock in the morning
And you’re telling me to come over
After I just told you I think I hate you
You tell me you need me because you’re not sober
I listened while you begged me
I told you I can’t drive my car
You asked “not even for me?”
Who do you think you are?
It’s been almost seven months
Since you had returned
You know how I feel but still played that card
Leaving me feeling burned
And I know what you’re doing
You want to get inside my head
You’re telling me you need me
To get me in your bed
Forty-six nights this year
Thirty-three in the past
Seventy-nine nights all together
Of memories not meant to last
I thought about getting you a birthday/Christmas gift
Because combined is something you would disdain
But when I didn’t hear from you that week
I let your birthday “slip my brain”
I didn’t see you until the New Year
You wouldn’t stop checking your phone
Apparent that I wasn’t the company you wanted
But at least we’re not alone
I put my arm over you
You pulled me closer holding my wrist
I listened to the rain knowing this isn’t real
But it’s been a while since I had a moment like this
It’s now twenty twenty-four
And I’m waking up in your room with you
The same one I’ve been waking up in
Since early twenty twenty-two
I’ve lived in three homes since then
You think I would have grown
Because you will never change
And that’s something I’ve always known
Sometimes you’d hold me close
Sometimes you’d push me away
Sometimes you’d leave my messages unread
For the remainder of the day
This was our eighty-fifth night together
We’ve had numerous ends
With this history we’ve shared
How can you say that we’re just friends?