Dating

Don’t Come Back

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January 18th, 2024

I thought I was done writing about you
But I have so much left to say
The first time you disappeared
I put my feelings on layaway
Then when you came back
I turned my read receipts on
Just so you could see
When I wouldn’t respond
Throwing boundaries out the window
Like where did they go
You said you didn’t want a relationship
So why didn’t I say no
Trying to not fall
Every time you’d say hello
But you wouldn’t let me in
And you wouldn’t let me go
I thought I could end things
I tried to walk away
You told me you were lonely
Messaged me every day
Until Thanksgiving when I caved
Now you say we shouldn’t see each other anymore
Trying to take control of the situation
Like that wasn’t what I said before
We went back and forth
A tug of war for power
We were on and off
Until things turned sour 
I wish that I had known back then
When I picked you up from Hot Mulligan
There’d only be four more times
That I would see you again
If you ever try to reach out
You can see the last text I sent you
I made a clear expectation
Of things you wouldn’t do
I don’t want to talk to you anymore
But you have my keyboard and mouse
At least I know that you have
A reminder of me in your house
I’m rereading our conversations
I thought you were my person
I’m grieving your absence
You’ve lost me for certain
I’m broken into pieces
Compassion is what you lack
And like Tate McRae said
“I hope you don’t come back”

Another Colbert Report (The Last Thing I’ll Write About You)

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January 5th, 2024

I was only back on Hinge
For a short two days
Before you liked my picture
I didn’t know what to say
I responded to your action
It took me eight days
Because when I first saw your name
I was not okay
It was the day after Christmas
I was feeling brave
Being optimistic 
I dug my own grave
I told you I was surprised
You ghosted me nine months ago
And that fucked me up
These things I needed you to know
I just never anticipated
Your name would light my phone again
You hurt me so deeply
Was I ready to let you back in
You told me you hoped I would message
You apologized for the past
We talked for two hours
A conversation I wanted to last
You had texted me to say goodnight
I didn’t hear from you for two days
Six texts exchanged 
And you drifted away 
Eight more days went by
You texted to say sorry for being MIA
But you won’t be available for “a long while”
Nothing about this was okay
I wasn’t going to respond
I’ve already said everything that I need to
But after an hour I sent you a link
To a fifteen page poem I wrote about you
I’m not expecting a response
Not sure you’ve even read it
But I can see you opened it three times
And everything I wrote feels good to admit
This wasn’t what I was expecting
How my year would start
That my optimistic naive self
Keeps letting the same guys break my heart
I’m still searching for the person
I’ll have coffee with in the morning
The one that I can call
When my eyes start pouring
I cried more over some random guy
Than I ever did for you
But nobody has ever made me feel
The hurt you put me through
I’ll never understand
How you moved on like I never existed
Or why you would want to hurt me again
You must be pretty twisted
At least you said goodbye this time
I got a little closure
Your name won’t light my phone again
This story is finally over

Mr. Smithuationship All Over Again

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January 3rd, 2024

The way you look me in the eyes
You look mesmerized as you smile
Watching my reaction instead of your favorite shows
Why are you in denial?
Is it because I’m taller than you?
Does height make you insecure?
Does my looking down at you
Make you hate yourself more?
Rotating through phases of being so mad at you
To being hopelessly head over heels
This state of confusion brings dopamine rushes
I’m hooked and I can’t appeal
In July two years ago
I wrote that one day you’ll be easy not to remember
There are still no photos or mementos
We’re losing our spark like an ember
I woke up in your bed
For the sixty-eighth time
Why do I keep coming back
When you will never be mine
I woke up in your bed
For the fifth night in a row
Forgetting this is nothing more
Than time that is borrowed
It’s two o’clock in the morning
And you’re telling me to come over
After I just told you I think I hate you
You tell me you need me because you’re not sober
I listened while you begged me
I told you I can’t drive my car
You asked “not even for me?”
Who do you think you are?
It’s been almost seven months
Since you had returned
You know how I feel but still played that card
Leaving me feeling burned
And I know what you’re doing
You want to get inside my head
You’re telling me you need me
To get me in your bed
Forty-six nights this year
Thirty-three in the past
Seventy-nine nights all together
Of memories not meant to last
I thought about getting you a birthday/Christmas gift
Because combined is something you would disdain
But when I didn’t hear from you that week
I let your birthday “slip my brain”
I didn’t see you until the New Year
You wouldn’t stop checking your phone
Apparent that I wasn’t the company you wanted
But at least we’re not alone
I put my arm over you
You pulled me closer holding my wrist
I listened to the rain knowing this isn’t real
But it’s been a while since I had a moment like this
It’s now twenty twenty-four
And I’m waking up in your room with you
The same one I’ve been waking up in
Since early twenty twenty-two
I’ve lived in three homes since then
You think I would have grown
Because you will never change
And that’s something I’ve always known
Sometimes you’d hold me close
Sometimes you’d push me away
Sometimes you’d leave my messages unread
For the remainder of the day
This was our eighty-fifth night together
We’ve had numerous ends
With this history we’ve shared
How can you say that we’re just friends?