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Tortured Artists Yield Loss Over Remembrance: Depression

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April 20th, 2024

Since I met you in twenty twenty-two
This is the first summer I won’t know you
Like August you were never mine
So how do I make it through
I’m missing you
But you’re not alone
You cut me deep
Down to my bone
I loved you
You let me go
You moved on
I don’t want to know
I gave you a stop sign
And you flew right through
Now here I am again
Trying to get over you
I know you don’t miss me
It meant nothing when you kissed me
But you left your prints all over me
And even forensic scientists can see
The irony of foreshadowing the first time we argued
Two years ago crying through the pain
Listening to “If I Don’t Laugh, I’ll Cry” by Frawley
“That was two full years of us down the drain”
I felt you pull away
You had one foot in the door
And the other one was always out
Now you aren’t here anymore
You sought out somebody broken
To use for your convenience
This isn’t what I anticipated
You got off with lenience
When Netflix is recommending a show that is ours
That I never finished but I can’t restart
Because you’ll always remind me of Jake Peralta
And I can’t do that with my broken heart
When my predictive text
Keeps suggesting your name
When I spoke my feelings
You said you didn’t feel the same
And I can’t resist you
But I know you don’t miss me
The way you walked away
Like it was so easy
You were the only person
I never felt lonely with
But now it feels illicit
Like you didn’t exist
I have no proof either
We have no photos and I have nothing from you
Unless you count the video of Dayseeker live
That I only have because I asked you to
I miss you so much
My heart can’t take it
Because I gave you the ability
And I let you break it
I tried so hard
But you wouldn’t let me let you go
And now I am still stuck
Mourning time that was borrowed
I fell the hardest on that evening
You wouldn’t let my eyes part from yours
And no matter how hard I try
I can’t seem to close all the doors
Things were so good
Before you said you needed me
Before the memories I can’t shake off
But it was nothing but a fantasy
How do I get over you
Your name is everywhere that I look
Spotify’s number one artist
Or the author of a book
So many Taylor Swift lyrics I could quote
So many words that I hold true
But I think Owl City said it best
“I was so in love with you” 
I know it’s going to kill me if you ever get engaged
Because with me you never knew how to stay
I wonder if anyone else also sees you
As the one who got away
Wondering who you’ve loved the most
These thoughts I can’t construe
Was it Laura or Ella or Alicia or Alanis
Because I was never enough for you
Did I write the perfect poem
But with the wrong rhymes
Another one slipped through my fingers
Only captured by lines

Note: This is part four of my pentalogy, which I’m posting in reverse order. The parts can be read independently, in sequence, or backward. While the date states I wrote this on April 20th, 2024, the poetry spans from pieces I began and left unfinished over the past two years. April 20th is the day the idea for this story first came to me, and I pulled all of my writing together. I spent about four months working on finishing this, and I’m excited to finally share it!

Tortured Artists Yield Loss Over Remembrance (The Pentalogy)

Part 1: Denial
Part 2: Anger
Part 3: Bargaining
Part 4: Depression
Part 5: Acceptance

Tortured Artists Yield Loss Over Remembrance: Acceptance

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April 20th, 2024

How can I call this the end
When we never really started
You got me attached to you
And then you departed
I’m tired of looking for people
That remind me of you
Because looking for you
Isn’t what I’m meant to do
We’re not Noah and Allie
This was my odyssey
Now it’s my manuscript
And you aren’t in my prophecy
Seeing you was like a river
Something that could consume me
And I could dive in
But I could never be happy
You called me a scaredy cat
As I ignored your fourth message in a row
But you maimed me first
We both needed to let go
Now that you’re a memory
It’s something I’m forced to keep
But I’m past the countless nights
I spent awake without sleep
Moving on from you
I spent three months sober
So I could fully accept
That things were actually over
You’ve got my computer accessories
I’ve got a recording of Sleep Talk
I lost someone who didn’t care about me
While you let someone who loved you walk
During the times you looked me in the eyes
I guess I mistook the semblance
I’m not sure how you could fake that
Now I yield loss over remembrance
You gained my trust
So you could break it
You wanted my love
So I let you take it
I am a fool
And I hate it
But in this crime
I was complaisant 
You were barely tangible
If I’m being realistic
And like you said
We never existed
And you might not know it yet
But I think I’m the loss of your life
You will never know the honor
Of having me as your wife
If they ask me how it ended, it didn’t
And I think I’m okay with that
Because like I’ve said before
I hope you don’t come back
So long, whoever you were
Because this was never fun
So I’ll continue with my search
Of looking for the one
There are 8 billion people in this world
And now I am most certain
That you were one of many
Who will never be my person

Note: This is part five of my pentalogy, which I’ll be posting in reverse order. The parts can be read independently, in sequence, or backward. While the date states I wrote this on April 20th, 2024, the poetry spans from pieces I began and left unfinished over the past two years. April 20th is the day the idea for this story first came to me, and I pulled all of my writing together. I spent about four months working on finishing this, and I’m excited to finally share it!

Tortured Artists Yield Loss Over Remembrance (The Pentalogy)

Part 1: Denial
Part 2: Anger
Part 3: Bargaining
Part 4: Depression
Part 5: Acceptance

The Vertigo of Letting Go

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April 16th, 2024

There’s guys I gave four chances to
Won’t let there be a fifth
I fell for Mr. Colbert
But first I fell for Mr. Smith

Both of these guys
Had one too many chances
Won’t let there be another
Under any circumstances

[Chorus:]
But I see them in my dreams
And in the people I may know
And the thought of reuniting 
Still gives me vertigo
There’s a part of me that’s scared
And not ready to let them go
And trying to move on
There’s a part of me that’s hollow

They exist on paper
And in the corners of my mind
I spend more often than not
Trying to convince myself I’m fine

I miss who I was before
I met either of them in person
Never knew someone so little
For that I am most certain

[Chorus:]
But I see them in my dreams
And in the people I may know
And the thought of reuniting 
Still gives me vertigo
There’s a part of me that’s scared
And not ready to let them go
And trying to move on
There’s a part of me that’s hollow

They probably don’t remember it
All the details that I dwell
And missing them lacks logic
Because they put me through hell

And I need to give credit
Where credit is due
Megan Cromwell wrote the song
That inspired me to write this for both of you

[Chorus:]
But I see them in my dreams
And in the people I may know
And the thought of reuniting 
Still gives me vertigo
There’s a part of me that’s scared
And not ready to let them go
And trying to move on
There’s a part of me that’s hollow

And maybe I’m thankful
I never had to pick between either
They showed up at different times
And I ended up with neither

They cut the ties
They let me down
When I needed them most
They were nowhere to be found

[Chorus 2:]
And I saw them in my dreams
And in the people I may know
But we’ll never reunite
Because it’s time I let them go
A part of me was scared
And it still gives me vertigo 
But I’m still moving on
Filling the parts that they left hollow