Dark

Stop Pretending It’s Okay

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March 27th, 2024

I live in a state of catastrophizing
There’s something dark in me
I don’t know what to do
Deep down I am so angry
I’m stuck in a sleep paralysis
Like a hypnosis where I’m bound
When I’ve built up broken people
They’ve only torn me down
Sometimes I wonder if I went missing
How long it would take someone to realize
Would anyone care enough to check
These thoughts I constantly agonize
I remember just a few years ago
When I used to run in all black at night
I didn’t care if I got hit by a car
I gave up thinking things could be alright
What does it say about me
When my self-esteem breaks
Because I gave so much to people
Who only knew how to take
Sometimes I’ve felt like nothing
Sometimes I’ve felt like a disgrace
Tired of picking at these wounds
So I’m picking at my face
My skin is crawling
With past decisions that I’ve made
This is my life
I’m done being afraid
I don’t have all the answers
Some days I don’t know the question
And if they’re going to judge me
At least provide me a suggestion
I’m telling myself I can get through this
I need to sit with it and be sad
And even though it’s uncomfortable
I need to feel the feelings I had

Voices

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January 4th, 2010

I hear things I shouldn’t know
I listen far too well
But I don’t listen to the voices
The wrong they always tell
And I feel something in the dark
A power in myself
And I don’t know if I’m alone
Is there anybody else
And in my eyes you can’t look too deep
To find the clock that makes me run
Because I hide so well what you can’t see
So I can have some fun
And maybe I’m not who you thought I was
But we will never know
You’ll never know me like I do
Because everyone lets go
So try to find the deep unknown
But it’s harder than you think
The voices hide me oh so well
And you can’t make me sink
So here I am back in the dark
To voices oh so loud
The more I know, the more I feel
The knowledge makes me proud
It drags me out of the dark
It starts to make me see
That how I think and how I feel
Is not reality
The blank and dark surrounding
The empty but filling space
You can take all that I have
If you can read my poker face
But the blind will start to see
Then the deaf will start to hear
The starving will be full
The miracles are real
And on the edge
With no inspiration
The wind blew
And I became my motivation
So with a jump
I found my voice
And it feels good
To make my own choice

Stop Signs

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September 27th, 2009

Piled up,
too much to keep to myself,
but what doesn’t kill me –
will keep me no weaker than I was before.

Saying goodbye is never easy,
but it wasn’t like that,
I was pulled away,
compelled to go,
and didn’t even have a chance to say –
I’m leaving.

Pulling through dark tunnels,
this is who I’ve become,
and there’s no going back.

I found myself in the cold arms of the darkness,
and I don’t think I can let go –
of this side of me –
that I found myself to like.

The mirror must be getting old,
because it’s not working quite right,
and I can’t even seem to find myself in it.

Looking for something,
but I don’t know you anymore,
and I don’t even know myself,
and all I’m finding are these stop signs –
that await my presence.