August 17th, 2024
I feel unlovable
Like all that I give
Is all I’ll experience
From love
There’s no reciprocation
I’m just not the one
For you, and you
And you, and you
Endlessly
I can’t keep pouring out
My love
While others only give their doubts
Expectations expressed
My needs always unmet
The bare minimum will always be too much
Because I seek out people incapable of love
April 20th, 2024
Why kiss, marry, or kill
When I could do all three
Something about you
Brought out a toxic side in me
I miss fighting with you
And telling you I hate you
Trying to convince myself
That I wouldn’t want to date you
Maybe I should’ve said no that night
I shouldn’t have left my home
Because now you’ve got this poem
And all I got was left alone
Maybe I started this pattern
I constantly pushed you away
One morning you mumbled “bye, love you” in your sleep
And I bolted the other way
You looked so offended
When I told you I didn’t trust you
You told me I was one of the few people
You knew wouldn’t fall through
After already spending five nights in a row with you
You said you wished you didn’t have your son that night
So you could spend it with me again
But we still spent all evening playing Fortnite
I tried to end things the next time I came home from your place
I realized things were getting too serious
But if I ever thought you’d drop your walls for me
Then I knew I’d be delirious
I told you time with you
Was just too confusing
You always begged to see me
I guess you just wanted to use me
You said we both knew
What this was from the start
I reminded you what I said
I can’t gamble with my heart
As I’m hoping that you miss me
I’m filling my notebook with question marks
Waiting for months because it’s happened before
Yearning for your redemption arc
While I’m pleading that you’re not gone
Longing a ghost but for what reason
Wondering if I could have done something different
But you were only meant for a season
When all I want to do
Is message you about the mundane parts of my day
Wondering what you’d think
Wondering what you’d say
I guess you didn’t need me
And I guess I’ve been caught up
Hoping it was all a misunderstanding
When you treated me like I wasn’t enough
I need to forgive you
Because I knew who you were
And I need to forgive myself
Because I tried to defer
I never told you that I loved you
But I think that you knew
Still holding onto hope
That maybe you felt it too
Note: This is part three of my pentalogy, which I’m posting in reverse order. The parts can be read independently, in sequence, or backward. While the date states I wrote this on April 20th, 2024, the poetry spans from pieces I began and left unfinished over the past two years. April 20th is the day the idea for this story first came to me, and I pulled all of my writing together. I spent about four months working on finishing this, so I’m excited to be sharing it!
Tortured Artists Yield Loss Over Remembrance (The Pentalogy)
Part 1: Denial
Part 2: Anger
Part 3: Bargaining
Part 4: Depression
Part 5: Acceptance
April 20th, 2024
Since I met you in twenty twenty-two
This is the first summer I won’t know you
Like August you were never mine
So how do I make it through
I’m missing you
But you’re not alone
You cut me deep
Down to my bone
I loved you
You let me go
You moved on
I don’t want to know
I gave you a stop sign
And you flew right through
Now here I am again
Trying to get over you
I know you don’t miss me
It meant nothing when you kissed me
But you left your prints all over me
And even forensic scientists can see
The irony of foreshadowing the first time we argued
Two years ago crying through the pain
Listening to “If I Don’t Laugh, I’ll Cry” by Frawley
“That was two full years of us down the drain”
I felt you pull away
You had one foot in the door
And the other one was always out
Now you aren’t here anymore
You sought out somebody broken
To use for your convenience
This isn’t what I anticipated
You got off with lenience
When Netflix is recommending a show that is ours
That I never finished but I can’t restart
Because you’ll always remind me of Jake Peralta
And I can’t do that with my broken heart
When my predictive text
Keeps suggesting your name
When I spoke my feelings
You said you didn’t feel the same
And I can’t resist you
But I know you don’t miss me
The way you walked away
Like it was so easy
You were the only person
I never felt lonely with
But now it feels illicit
Like you didn’t exist
I have no proof either
We have no photos and I have nothing from you
Unless you count the video of Dayseeker live
That I only have because I asked you to
I miss you so much
My heart can’t take it
Because I gave you the ability
And I let you break it
I tried so hard
But you wouldn’t let me let you go
And now I am still stuck
Mourning time that was borrowed
I fell the hardest on that evening
You wouldn’t let my eyes part from yours
And no matter how hard I try
I can’t seem to close all the doors
Things were so good
Before you said you needed me
Before the memories I can’t shake off
But it was nothing but a fantasy
How do I get over you
Your name is everywhere that I look
Spotify’s number one artist
Or the author of a book
So many Taylor Swift lyrics I could quote
So many words that I hold true
But I think Owl City said it best
“I was so in love with you”
I know it’s going to kill me if you ever get engaged
Because with me you never knew how to stay
I wonder if anyone else also sees you
As the one who got away
Wondering who you’ve loved the most
These thoughts I can’t construe
Was it Laura or Ella or Alicia or Alanis
Because I was never enough for you
Did I write the perfect poem
But with the wrong rhymes
Another one slipped through my fingers
Only captured by lines
Note: This is part four of my pentalogy, which I’m posting in reverse order. The parts can be read independently, in sequence, or backward. While the date states I wrote this on April 20th, 2024, the poetry spans from pieces I began and left unfinished over the past two years. April 20th is the day the idea for this story first came to me, and I pulled all of my writing together. I spent about four months working on finishing this, and I’m excited to finally share it!
Tortured Artists Yield Loss Over Remembrance (The Pentalogy)
Part 1: Denial
Part 2: Anger
Part 3: Bargaining
Part 4: Depression
Part 5: Acceptance
Doll Poetry 