Alone

First

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November 29th, 2018

The first time I fell in love
I was in it alone
I was a broken child
Who knew nothing but a broken home
The first time I said “I love you”
I had said it to myself
I’d only ever written it
And never dared to say it to anyone else
The first time I knew heartbreak
Was the first time I knew love
I was engulfed by the emotions
Or the lack thereof
Then when I first realized
That love should be embraced
That was the last abusive relationship
I ever let myself face

Note: This is an emotional video clip of me from Christmas 2008. I recently watched through my old video journals and found this. In this clip, I encountered the first time I confessed to being in love. These words stuck in my head for a couple days and ended up inspiring this poem.

She’s Lost (Dan’s Song)

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May 6th, 2007

She’s sitting there alone and waiting
This world’s just something so degrading

And she’s lost
Confused
Misplaced
Been used
And she cannot find her place
So she’s losing it
All she has is gone
And she’s fading
Today will be the day she loses you

And every time she hears your name
She holds it in thinking she’s the one to blame

So she’s angry
Forgetting
Holding in
And regretting
And she cannot find her face
In the mirror anymore
All she has is gone
And she’s fading
Today will be the day she misses you

She knows this will always have her heart
But she is ready to restart

She was lost
Confused
Misplaced
Was used
And she could not find her place
She was losing it
All she had was gone
She was fading
Today was the day she lost you

So she’s lonely
Forgetting
Holding in
And accepting
But she cannot find her place
In this world anymore
All she had is gone
But she’s growing
Today is the day she’s moving on

My old neighbor (Dan) and I occasionally worked on music together. One day he was struggling to come up with lyrics for a song he was working on, sent me this clip, and this was what I sent him back.

All Been Done

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December 6th, 2004

Oh I feel so bad today
I’m on my way back to San Jose
Catching teardrops from my eyes
Watching them fall from the skies – above

[Chorus:]
My hopes are gone, and I wipe my eyes
Knowing life’s just a surprise
Life’s a game that has been won
So what’s left to do when it’s all been done – yeah

Oh – what to do
I can’t even breathe
I’ve fallen for you
I’m looking around
But no one’s there
Why doesn’t anyone care

Life’s a game that has been won
And everything has all been done
When you think there’s nothing left to do
Remember that I fell for you

[Chorus:]
My hopes are gone, and I wipe my eyes
Knowing life’s just a surprise
Life’s a game that has been won
So what’s left to do when it’s all been done – yeah

Breathing slowly as I exit the house
Being as quiet as a mouse
Hoping you will know where I am
Closing the door so it won’t slam

Looking around but you’re still not here
Sliding closer to my fear
Dreams will die and memories will fade
Sitting alone in the shade – of the moon

[Chorus:]
My hopes are gone, and I wipe my eyes
Knowing life’s just a surprise
Life’s a game that has been won
So what’s left to do when it’s all been done – yeah

Should I have told you to come
No one can be number one
When you think there’s nothing left to do
Just remember I fell for you

2004 (3)