April 20th, 2024

How the hell am I supposed to proceed
When everything still reminds me of you
Then on the day of The Tortured Poets Department’s release
You go and announce that you’re dating someone new
So I’m joining the committee
Even though your name resembles their chairman
The words all resonate with me
Absorbing like I’m at a sermon
I have known you for two years
Now you don’t get to know me for a third
Nothing about this way okay
The words I said you never heard
You were pathological
Spoke to me in quality time
Let me fall in love
And didn’t want to be mine
At first I felt treacherous
When you became my someone new
The first guy I saw after my divorce
Not knowing what I got myself into
But you need to realize
Your actions affect other people
And I hate that I let this drag on
For more than a sequel
I spent the last night of my twenties with you
And that was the first time you made me cry
I was starting to realize then
You were nothing but a passerby
Eight months later I tossed a note you wrote
One that I used to keep in my car
So the next day I had the strength
To finish my last poem for you and accept who you are
That only lasted for so long
Because after my next birthday you returned
Your apartment became my demise
As my feelings for you burned
You changed towards me
While you were in Vegas
And I wish you were the first guy
That made me say this
You filled my head with doubt
And I felt you pull away
I just had to say no more
When I knew you wouldn’t stay
I miss when you opened up to me
That time you messed up dealing at the casino
Or when your son got COVID on his birthday
But I don’t miss the other things though
Like waiting outside to pick you up from work for almost an hour
Or when you had me standing outside your door for over ten minutes
I set my expectations so ridiculously low
But even with my patience you tested the limits
The time you invited me over to make cookies
I was immediately humbled
Because that selfie you took in your apron
Got posted on your Bumble
I’m sorry that you telling me you trusted me more than anyone
You wanting to spend all of your free time with me
You holding my face while looking me in the eyes
Made me think you reciprocated my feelings
And it might resemble my favorite artist
But I’ll still curse your name
Because you didn’t need to make me feel like this
And then drag me through this pain 
When we were on the phone one night
And it was well past 2:00 a.m.
You wouldn’t let me go to sleep
You begged me to come over again
I miss the nights we’d revel with Trulys
Watching Brooklyn 99 without you wouldn’t feel the same
The second computer you set up for me
So I could teach you how to play my favorite game
The way you would pose
Like me and you both felt the same
But when you messaged me to play Palworld
I shook at the notification from your name
I knew I was lovelorn 
All the way back in November
You slowly faded away
Burning out like an ember
You can’t just message me
The day before Valentine’s Day
When it had been 38 days
Since you slipped away 
I missed you so much
My heart is still sinking
But I refused to surrender
And I stayed away from drinking
You were never man enough
So you chose to ghost
Knowing that was the thing
That broke me the most
This situation was debilitating
I tried everything I could
To protect my heart from yours
But it was no good
It’s easier for you to ignore me
Than have a conversation
So you went no contact
And I got spited by temptation
You were trying to save me for later
But I’m not your Amazon cart
And I’m sure it’s there somewhere
But I can’t find your heart
I wish you were the hoax you pretended to be
When you put on the nice guy act
Over two months since I last heard from you
And I still haven’t cracked
You only wanted to be friends
If I didn’t talk about how I was feeling
Why’d you come back into my life
When I thought I was done healing
Now you’re letting go of me
As if you picked a weed
Knowing that I didn’t want to do this
You let me concede
All the messages we’ve exchanged 
I can’t help but reread
Now I’m not even on the bench
You put me in the nosebleed
All of the things
That we never talked about
You used me up
And then kicked me out
Stealing from me
Like some kind of bandit
All my love and attention
I was left empty handed
I wrote you text after text
That I never sent
Every memory with you
Is now something I resent
Because I loved you in all the ways
You wanted me to
But burning to ashes
Was not enough for you
Bringing me back to the grave
Where I buried my feelings alive
Grieving it all
When it never died
Rigor mortis set in
There is no reviving
Do I feed your ego
Your actions were conniving
You always said we were just friends
But what does friendship mean to you
Funny how it doesn’t last
When you’re seeing someone new
I felt you pull away
I wanted you to stay
I think you know already
That I am far from okay

Note: This is part two of my pentalogy, which I’m posting in reverse order. The parts can be read independently, in sequence, or backward. While the date states I wrote this on April 20th, 2024, the poetry spans from pieces I began and left unfinished over the past two years. April 20th is the day the idea for this story first came to me, and I pulled all of my writing together. I spent about four months working on finishing this, so I’m excited to be sharing it!

Tortured Artists Yield Loss Over Remembrance (The Pentalogy)

Part 1: Denial
Part 2: Anger
Part 3: Bargaining
Part 4: Depression
Part 5: Acceptance