January 3rd, 2024

The way you look me in the eyes
You look mesmerized as you smile
Watching my reaction instead of your favorite shows
Why are you in denial?
Is it because I’m taller than you?
Does height make you insecure?
Does my looking down at you
Make you hate yourself more?
Rotating through phases of being so mad at you
To being hopelessly head over heels
This state of confusion brings dopamine rushes
I’m hooked and I can’t appeal
In July two years ago
I wrote that one day you’ll be easy not to remember
There are still no photos or mementos
We’re losing our spark like an ember
I woke up in your bed
For the sixty-eighth time
Why do I keep coming back
When you will never be mine
I woke up in your bed
For the fifth night in a row
Forgetting this is nothing more
Than time that is borrowed
It’s two o’clock in the morning
And you’re telling me to come over
After I just told you I think I hate you
You tell me you need me because you’re not sober
I listened while you begged me
I told you I can’t drive my car
You asked “not even for me?”
Who do you think you are?
It’s been almost seven months
Since you had returned
You know how I feel but still played that card
Leaving me feeling burned
And I know what you’re doing
You want to get inside my head
You’re telling me you need me
To get me in your bed
Forty-six nights this year
Thirty-three in the past
Seventy-nine nights all together
Of memories not meant to last
I thought about getting you a birthday/Christmas gift
Because combined is something you would disdain
But when I didn’t hear from you that week
I let your birthday “slip my brain”
I didn’t see you until the New Year
You wouldn’t stop checking your phone
Apparent that I wasn’t the company you wanted
But at least we’re not alone
I put my arm over you
You pulled me closer holding my wrist
I listened to the rain knowing this isn’t real
But it’s been a while since I had a moment like this
It’s now twenty twenty-four
And I’m waking up in your room with you
The same one I’ve been waking up in
Since early twenty twenty-two
I’ve lived in three homes since then
You think I would have grown
Because you will never change
And that’s something I’ve always known
Sometimes you’d hold me close
Sometimes you’d push me away
Sometimes you’d leave my messages unread
For the remainder of the day
This was our eighty-fifth night together
We’ve had numerous ends
With this history we’ve shared
How can you say that we’re just friends?